Needless personal suffering: the myth of "spiritual leaders"
November 14th, 2006My sister, bless her heart, wrote to me the other day describing how she’s finally had a long-term relationship with a boy. They dated for seven weeks. She said that she’d have dated him a lot longer, but he was moving, and they mutually decided that a long-distance relationship wasn’t appealing. That, and she wasn’t sure that he’d be the kind of spiritual leader she needs in a husband.
There has been a lot made of the needless pain and suffering directly attributed to religion, and to other dogmatic systems of belief (i.e., Hitler, Stalin, etc.); it’s a favorite approach of secularists like myself, and others who consider themselves humanists, freethinkers, atheistic, etc. But I think that it misses the point to discuss all the horrendous things that Faith and Dogma have caused, and do cause in the lives of millions. This is because we–as individuals living our quaint little first-world lives–don’t have any context for truly understanding and empathizing with those that have been, are, and will be harmed by the dogged belief in ancient barbaric religious ideals.
But the personal suffering caused by religious dogmatic belief in the lives that surround our own is much more relevant, profound, and obvious.
The myth of the existence of any worthy “spiritual leaders” is one which perpetuates suffering in the lives of women who’ve been raised to believe they need such a thing in order for their salvation, and that of their family, to be secured. This isn’t a teaching that is limited to Mormonism, or Christianity. In Islam the women simply have no choice. But perhaps that’s a more desirable situation than the one Christian women find themselves in: of having to qualify men spiritually. It isn’t good enough for any man to be highly compatible with them, to share many of their same motivations, to love them in the unique ways they need to be loved; nor is it good enough for a man to have the looks, education, outlook, success, or what-have-you, that women desire. No, they find themselves meeting and rejecting man after man. They find one that seems virtually perfect for them–a soulmate, if you will–and then discover that he doesn’t have the hazy list of qualities a “spiritual leader” should have. Nevermind that this may be a man who they could happily live the entirety of their lives with; a man who would father happy, secure, healthy children.
For women raised to desire the “spiritual leader” ideal, the challenge of finding the right “match” is many orders of magnitude harder. Impossible? Perhaps not, but nearly. I speak from experience. Not my own–I’m a male–but from observing my sisters efforts to find the “right” guy. They’ve dated far more men than I can imagine. Many of these men are rejected outright, after a date or two, because they weren’t compatible (were shallow, dull, not good looking enough, lacking direction, etc.). Those that passed those preliminary tests were then subjected to, and have all failed, the “spiritual leader” test. Most women, my sisters included, don’t even know what they’re looking for in that regard. This is because religion teaches that one is necessary–to ensure the strength, stability, and salvation of the union–but not how to find one, what one is, what one looks like. This is because even those teaching such an ideal don’t know; because they too are imperfect, and fall short of the “spiritual leader” ideal.
Let me suggest this simple solution for all those in the throes of needless suffering of the “want a spiritual leader” type: look only for a man whose intention and desire is to be a spiritual leader. Asking for anything more is essentially demanding to have your own personal Jesus, or Prophet, in your own home. Even Jesus, or Prophets, are made. They didn’t exit the womb fully realized in all their spirituality. Remember that.
Still, my sisters feel that this is a “trial of [their] faith.” Once their faith has been tried enough, they will find their spiritual leader and their story will conclude with “and they lived happily ever after.” But finding someone you feel confident will be the “spiritual leader” you desire will not protect your marriage from hell on earth. No, in fact, it my assure it. The role of spiritual leader is one which causes tension, pain, and conflict in a relationship. Women want one, but don’t realize what having one means. A good spiritual leader requires that you’re in church EVERY week, that you participate in all church social activities, that your fellowship enthusiastically, that you volunteer your energies in every conceivable way, that you–and your children, of course–read your scriptures nightly, have nightly and morning prayers, and generally, walk the straight’n'narrow. Basically the position is one of taskmaster (oh, but lest we forget, one with love and tenderness) in the home.
There are at least two sources of conflict here. One is that the woman can’t quite identify what it should look like when the man is being a good “spiritual leader,” but feels confident that she’s able to tell when he’s not. This subjectivity causes problems. The man is informed that he’s not being the spiritual leader that the woman needs. He asks what he’s doing that isn’t measuring up. She can’t tell him. A rift occurs and grows over time as the woman continues to feel like there must be something the man isn’t doing because she isn’t feeling any closer to the Lord, to the Spirit, strengthened in the Gospel, etc. The man, for his part, feels both embattled and embittered because he’s expected to fill a role without being provided with a specific, relevant, job description.
I’ve heard of more than one divorce–among people I actually KNOW–which was rooted in the fact that the woman felt that the man had deserted or unsatisfactorily filled the role of spiritual leader. Consider this: in a nation filled with believers, like ours is, a high percentage of those getting divorced are believers; at least half. This means that at least half of all those women who did their best to marry qualified “spiritual leaders” (because they thought it would help ensure the longevity of their marriage–among other things) were faced with the harsh reality of divorce and the vicious damage it caused their families.
Women like my sisters would do well to forget about finding a “spiritual leader” and concentrate on looking for a highly compatible man; look for a man as close to a “soul mate” as you can find. Look for a man who brings far more happiness into your life than heartache. Look for a man “fits” with You more than 99% of the rest of men that you’ve known. These are the elements that will ensure that you and your husband will have a happy, fulfilling, meaningful marriage; and many, many anniversaries in excess of fifty.
The myth of the spiritual leader, and the need of the spiritual leader in order to have a happy, secure, and salvation oriented marriage is just that: a myth. A myth that causes inordinate, unnecessary pain and anguish in the lives of those that believe in it.
Buying into the spiritual leader myth only results in anguish before, during, and after marriage.
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